Onwards

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10

Tonight, I wanted to disappear.

I clung to fear, as if it could somehow make things clear. Pressure kept rising, and my mind was foggy with plans of pleasing everyone but God.

Disappointed remarks and unmet expectations became the only thing driving me forward. Time was an enemy, for there would never be enough to satisfy my longing to control.

The to-do list was no longer an issue. It had become useless to me, for I only addressed what felt urgent rather than important. Somehow the thing that used to keep me organized now felt like another task that would have to wait until tomorrow. The frustration bubbled up like boiling water in a shallow pot. Spilling over in hot tears that not only left me congested but also slightly concerned.

Why am I so sad? Or rather, why are these tears so uncontrollable?

Surely, I was overreacting. I could see it in my brother’s eyes as he walked into my mom’s room and saw me crumpled on her bed with glassy eyes. Surely, this feeling I had was just a passing meltdown. I could feel the shame approaching, with its sly and subtle message. A simple question — honestly, what is wrong with you?

So I left, sniffling, to my own cramped room. With the shelves I keep wanting to dust and the cluttered countertops that seem to taunt me at every opportunity. I opened my notebook and journaled my way toward the Lord.

Do not fear, for I am with you.

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

When I was in Yosemite, I would often stop to capture pictures of forest and mountains. They gave me so much comfort. They felt like a safe place. They made me stop in my tracks and look upwards.

What a beautiful thing, to look upwards.

They were like friendly giants, majestic creations that were somehow crafted by the same God that crafted me. Things that make me look upwards are sometimes the very thing that I need to move onwards.

I’m not yet where I’m going, but I’m a long way from where I was (relevant line I heard in ‘No Doubt About It’ by We the Kingdom). The patient progression of mountain slopes and Sequoia groves reminded me of a God so much bigger than my 40 hour work weeks. The care-filled landscape that people travel internationally to admire started with insignificant sprouts in the ground and finely packed dust.

My writing led me to my knees, praying this prayer in tears,

‘I will not fear, for you are with me.’

I felt the Lord impressing this truth on my heart — that I can still say ‘I will not fear’ even if those words are said with trembling hands. It’s no use putting a smile before the Lord, when all I want to do is crumble.

I can’t describe the peace I have now, it’s simply with me and I was moved to share this story because of it.