24

Birthdays always make me a little extra pensive. 24 is no different. A thoughtful outing to Santa Barbara in the midst of a love that is healing. A time at the beach spent with new and familiar company. A night of deeper questions and ‘playing to grow’ with family. I was overwhelmed by it all, and maybe that feeling of gratitude beyond words was a blessing from the Lord that…despite what may come, there is hope lying ahead to be uncovered.

I hope little by little I’d find words to express this joy.

I keep thinking about how where I am now would make my newly 23-year-old self so, so proud.

A year where I no longer let fear of wrong decisions guide my decision-making. In choosing to rest and turn my ear towards God in my lack of doing, I found solace. I also found within me a well never quite full, but always trying to give. Its disposition to pour out even when the bucket scraped the bottom gave way to sorrow, and unexplainable disappointment.

Sometimes saying ‘no’ is more loving than saying yes. That’s just the truth for me.

This was a year where I began to see that God was moving, even in my work. Instead of trying my hardest to bring the Lord into my workplace, I tried to see the ways He was already at work. He shows me ways to pursue excellence without giving into the consuming nature of worldly success. Those hidden prayer requests are always waiting to be found. I need to remind myself of that again, in coworkers and managers and C-Suite executives..no matter how high up the ladder we climb, we all have that emptiness only God can satisfy.

Work is also broken, so my expectation should not be that it will fill me completely. Rather it is a means to learn, grow, and understand the assignment given by God at this time.

Though God may not ever be explicitly mentioned, yet my eyes will search for the Lord. Just as reading Esther invites a discerning eye to recognize God’s hand, my work in the world prompts me to search daily for His fingerprints. How are all these events, these personalities, and even the less ideal situations opening doors to see His sovereignty displayed?

Lastly, I’m beginning to unlearn how to love. My past relationships have not provided a reliable foundation to fall back on. They are part of my story, and I am still learning to trust that even those times were not wasted. But I have found someone whose love pushes me to value a Christ-centered love that takes time. It’s unassuming and gentle. It’s not ashamed of my messy emotions and irrational thinking. He is worth the process of unlearning in order to relearn how to love as the Lord intends.

I’ll wait as long as it takes, because love that is weathered by wounds is made beautiful not by ourselves but by God. It rejoices with the truth, and will never fail.

Build this love like a home, Lord. Where rest meets us at the front door, and safety emanates warmly in the night as our porch light. As we endure wind and storm, let the bricks we’ve carried and placed together not give way.

I pray that this year I would be okay with letting go a little more. Whether that’s my own self-image or my stubborn past assumptions, it can go. I want to live with eyes to see the story God writes, and take part joyfully only where I’ve been assigned.